urg

I'm trying. I took two runs in two days.
One down the tracks, my favorite route, to Staples, for more paper for my printer to print out my notes to study with. Then last, night, at the last moment, after feeling defeated by my day and laying around for three hours trying to read textbooks, putting off going to yoga until it was too late, and eating half a pizza to spite myself. After I had given up, I crawled out of bed, put on my long pants, gloves, toque and headphones, and went out and ran as far as I could until my knee started to complain. My decision to walk to work got sidetracked by needing to get a doctors note that says I am allowed to skate again while at work. But I left my wheels there and walked home, which means I am forced to walk back there in the morning if I don't walk up the hill to school. So its happening, somehow, its happening, and MAN does it HURT!

Ask...

Funny how Life answers sometimes.
I've been swimming 3 times a week the past 2 weeks. Its helped my achilles immensely. I've been stressing out over this 30 pounds that snuck up on me due to the amount of sitting time school and studying entails. But for the past three months I've been watching what I eat, keeping tabs, typing in everything I put into my mouth, feeling deprived, but only by my own hand; not eating 1 chocolate bar every two days or sundaes and burgers on the weekend, one cup of morning coffee instead of two. But that has not helped at all, either way, it's only stressed me out. My weight has stayed exactly where it has been since last winter. I actually lost more weight not paying attention and eating what my body craved, when my body craved it, than I have while I've been meticulously logging each morsel. So fuck this. Once again, activity is the only answer for me.

So I've been meaning to get off my ass. Quit driving to school, walk more. Ride my bike around town. But its so damn cold, and wet, and early, and my stupid achilles hurts all the time, etc, etc...
...aaand my truck broke today. Last month I spent a thousand dollars to make sure it would keep running beautifully through the winter, as it always has. And today it would not stay running for further than one block at a time. I had to leave it in the lot and walk home from school. Take a deep breath and get stepping. Down the long hill, the daunting hill, across the flat estuary, and over the bridge. Up the little hill through the quaint little decked out for Christmas main street town. It took 45 minutes. My ankle hurts as much as it always does, no more or less. So, okay, Life, I fuckin hear ya. Truck is parked. Im a'walking it out.

certainly not

NO, I am not running.
I am barely walking. A tour of LA art museums and skateparks left me nearly crippled, what a bitch.
But I am rehabbing this shit. Do I like being here? because I keep coming back to injure myself... Guess riding on a kneebrace, halfway through knee healing is asking for trouble. Half assed physio/healing seems to create more need for healing...er.
I've been riding a bike all summer for my knee. Still riding, but not as religiously as before. Its not a daily motion, but it ought to be. Today Im heading back to yoga to see what it can do for this. Hopefully me feet don't go entirely numb, as my toes were already disappearing after the first three postures before this injury. Not feeling where your toes are makes balance very difficult!
Doing it anyway. I like walking. Really really like walking...

run day

Today's the day. I promised myself I would try a wee run. I told myself it would happen today. I've been craving the feeling of euphoria it gives me, and the loss of these crazy back-pocket-fat-stores would be nice, too. I am terrified of hurting my knee, so my plan is to make sure I stay under the minimum I think I am capable of. I am sure I could start off with 3k, so my plan is to stick to just 1k. Just for this week. Start small, go slow. Don't push it, even if I think I can.
Can I, just for once, not overdo it? This will be my challenge.

Except for inhaling a bug, that was a short, sweet, and painless 10 minute 1.5! Yay, knee!!! Felt great to be out and pushing it again! Looking forward to next short run. Hope the knee won't complain later!

the void

Hello. I am back again. What happened during that 3 month void since the last time I posted?
I went to Abbotsford to welcome a new baby girl into my family, beautiful Arabella.
Finished my head spinning practicum at a recovery house for women that caused me to question my entire reason behind going to school. Before my two last practicums, I thought I knew what I wanted. Now I am back to square one. I enrolled for the second half of my program in the fall in spite of my doubt. I'm going on faith that this will lead me somewhere good.
Got my motorcycle on the road, went on a road trip to Vancouver.
I went on a wild trip to Mexico that I'd booked back in March, before I hurt my knee and ran out of money. Learned how to flip a butterfly knife like a pro. Nuff said.
When I got home from there, I found out that I had been approved for medical coverage for my knee through WCB. Woot! So I am now on the physio train.
Obstacles have been crashing down from above incessantly, of course. The day before I left for my Mexico trip, some young delinquents stole my trusty ten speed and jumped on the rear wheel, bending the shit out of it. Tried unsuccessfully to fix it myself. I have had it in a shop now for three weeks. It is a weird size or something, he is having a hard time finding a replacement. A replacement that doesn't cost $100.
Oh yeah, because I haven't mentioned mention the cost of not working due to my stupid knee. I have no money for replacement anything. Or rent. Or food. Back to brown beans, tuna, and toast. I splurged on a $30 membership at the community centre gym, since healing my knee is my top priority right now so that I keep my sanity. I started riding the stationary bike for an hour a day, three days a week, a month ago. Went to Van for a fun visit and summertime friends and fell down. I scraped the shit out of my good knee, and ankle, and bruised my left ass so bad I couldn't sit properly for a week, which sidelined the bike riding for a while there. My back is waaaay out from limping around to accommodate this last accident, and hurts at every move again. I have been listening to myself sound like a grumpy old, rickety arthritis sufferer. Cursing every time I have to sit, get up, climb into my truck, everything. My Ipod ate shit last week. Without music to fuel my workout, I am a marionette without a puppeteer. Fuckin lifeless. Been reading a book while I ride. Ugh. Its alright I guess. I think the worst part is having to listen to the tough guys making their taking-a-shit noise while they lift the heavies. Really? Is that necessary? It grosses me out.
I've been shopping for a cheap stationary bike for months now, and finally found one in Nanaimo. Well, that's what the ad said. I went down for a swim at a lake halfway between here and there, so took my truck (which I am also not driving lately, $gas$!) and went to get it. Got to Nanaimo, a 1.5 hour drive from here, and then the lady tells me (following three emails back and forth) that she is actually in Duncan, another hour south. Okay. When I get there, they are sweet, and kind, and they let me know that the display doesn't exactly work. At all. Also news. I negotiate half of what I was about to pay them and jump into the truck for the 2.5 hour drive home.
HOWEVER...
This is so awesome! I roll out of bed at 8:30, and in that time after I put on the coffee, where I would usually crawl back in bed and turn on the computer, I go sit on the bike and get pedaling. I've had it for two days. Both mornings have started out this way, I go from my one hour pedaling, with 5 minutes easy pedaling, then 5 minutes go time; to my physio floorwork for my back and knee. It is pretty nice to not have to wake up, get ready, drink at least one cup of coffee, and then roll out to gym, timing my workout around the classes that close the gym at exactly the times when I feel ready to work out, and watching the sunny day go by outside, trying to hide my morning face from the people there, avoid eye contact and not talk to anyone since I am working way to hard for conversation, and that is not why I am there.
I've put up some inspiration pictures on my cork boards that I stare at during my stretches. I'm hoping to not gain another 20 during school this fall by these steps Ive taken to make working out at home easier. Now I just need to fashion up a drink holder and computer platform for my bike!
I'm back on the wagon to relieving myself of my aches and pains!




Me in Mexico, with a butterfly knife in one hand that I just used to remove the limiter on a bottle of tequila. That is a bottle of water in my left hand, of course.

Game on!

Haha, today I was back to the plan, and stuck to it. I rode to and from work, to yoga, and then the short bridge to bridge loop . I rode fast and hard. Yoga class is what saved me today. I have been stressed at my practicum. It's a lot of heavy mind and spirit work every day, and my spirit is not in shape. In the past I got to a place in my spirit work and stopped because I was at a place where I could cope with life. There is more to be done. Its good to be forced to work on it, since I have been coasting on 'good enough' for awhile when I could probably be a lot more of myself. But it is tiresome.
Anyway, I went to class. Barely. I felt like quitting before I started, and had a tough time. What kept me going was that sight in the mirror...are those abs? Oh my, yes they might be...wait...look again, no work harder, was that one there? Try harder...wow, look at that!... and so it went. And they kept appearing. And I kept pushing. And so my vigor in this fit quest is temporarily renewed. At least until the next mean craving that I either have to deny or cave into.

deny-it

So I was feeling pretty guilty starting today off, after a cookie making sesh at the LINC yesterday where I chopped up a lot of chocolate, ate a bunch along the way, and then consumed a fair share of the finished product.
There was something else that I mindlessly stuffed into my mouth, but I am blocking that out- oh, right- when I got home after Saturday's late shift, I watched a few Breaking Bad episodes and chowed the last of the jumbo bag of mini eggs. Took three hours. Yeah. Maybe 20...oops.
And there was also on the weekend, the commiserating with a dear friend in need where that bottle of wine seemed to disappear between rounds of ' modern' dancing, singing or lipsincing, as well as a fair bit of crying and hugging and sharing. Yes, and then there was the morning cheeseburger that I couldn't have gotten out of bed without. So by the time I encountered the delicious banana bread loaf today, eating several slices of it seemed to be a drop in the bucket.

Truth is, it was all just a self sabotage of my goal that I am working so hard to reach. Yes, I did still do every single exercise in my workout video (out of guilt or shame), and yes, today I rode my 10k route, working to get my heart rate up (while also sweating out all the alcohol in my system). But I couldn't get it out of my head that I have not lost a single pound in two weeks of denial and exercising daily.

Okay...fuck, really? Who is this person?!
I've never been this person, and I don't like this feeling of guilt. This feeling that I've betrayed myself, my plan.
I'm not sure if I want to be this obsessed about my body. Fuck this. I have never not gotten in shape when I decided it was time, why am I putting so much pressure on myself now? Oh...right, because I am hurt, and scared that things aren't going my way. I can't stretch this injury away, or power through it. I am not in control of this hurt. I need something to control.

I eat well. I am healthy. I work hard. I have enough to worry about without obsessing over food.
FUCK DIETING.

ab rock

It's been nearly two weeks of trying to eat better (read: denying myself all of my favorite things) , and riding my bike all around town. My scale hasn't budged, but I think/hope/pray I am seeing a difference. Because if it isn't working, I am so outta here...I want so badly to eat like ten little rounds of a baguette carefully spreading butter or brie on top of each slice...I want to melt 25 Cadbury mini eggs in my mouth, rolling the crunchy coating off one by one...I want to twirl up forkfuls of creamy alfredo covered linguine, and roll them around the edges of the bowl to collect all of the delicious bacon cream sauce, and just keep going until I am about to burst. But I won't. I am feeling minor improvements.
Today, for example, I finally did every single exercise in my abs workout, exactly as many times as they told me to. 25 reps of 14 exercises. So what that it took me 45 minutes to finish a 15 minute video. I finished it for reals. I have made it all the way up fifth street a couple of times now without my lungs feeling like they are exploding.
It is happening little by bit.

oops, NOW its 30!

haha, still rocking onward.
two more days, two more bike rides, two more yoga classes behind me. Keep going until I must sleep seems to be my motto. Exhaust myself, then rest hard. Then do it again. Today is another 12 hour workday, then I will come home and do what I can here, then sleep again.
Food changes are finding me hungry at night. I guess I need more food at dinner.

30 day countdown!

Holy Crap! 30 days until I am supposed to be wearing a bathing suit!
So today I rode my bike to Royston. And now I am going to yoga. My tummy does not feel too hot, but I think that is me trying to find a way out of going to yoga.

week one down

Week one of changing my food patterns is done. It started out easy. I was sick, food was not appetizing. Since then I have changed most of my meals, if not what they were, then how much of it there was. Greens type of meal drink to help get my five servings in the a.m. Then smaller portions of salad for lunch, and a different kind. I didn't make a smaller salad, I just stopped eating it when my body told me it was done.
Friday night celebration of my academic award, I ate my treat pasta until I was satisfied, then took the rest home for snacks. There is chocolate in the house that I am not devouring. Instead last night I ate an orange. I am still not getting all of my cardio. The sickness I mentioned has just barely lifted now so that I can breathe again and get back to really working. So here goes.
I am not happy in my skin right now. Summer is slow to arrive this year, and this knee injury is driving me crazy. I just want to go skate today. I will work a way around it. I will not give up.
I also have to start hassling my way into surgery. Sooner the better.

almost done

Today has been a pretty special day for me. I biked to both jobs and worked 12 hours. I stayed in a great mood all day, and I ate no crap. I ate only to fuel. Managed to not feed the need for calm and love and comfort with gummies at the LINC for once. I did well. Might be feeling up to a short core workout before bed now.

working on it

I've been riding every day except grocery day, to and from work. I've gotten the mad allergy bug in my throat, an angry burn that just last night moved up into my sinuses. Can't decide which part was worse. Still can't breathe deeply. I took Monday off of riding b/c I really couldn't breathe, and nearly passed out when I did have to leave the house to go teach a skate lesson. Today I did a work out vid in the living room, and chased the mower, both with my brace on. Felt safer doing some of the side to side moves, some of them still couldn't happen, and didn't bother with any hopping, skipping, leg swinging action. Step tap step tap. Hacking and sputtering. Life is so different when I cant breathe and only have one good leg! Oh well, I'm sure this allergy attack is almost over. Tomorrow, more riding.

tomorrow, we ride

Awe crap, so I went to the 7pm yoga class after work after school tonight to find out it wasn't on. I mixed up my times. What is good is that I chased my mower around for a little while today, three hours, got good and sweaty, enjoyed the sun in a tanktop and shorts. Tomorrow, we ride...

Rolling Steady

43 days until Sayulita!

I had to take time off since I twisted my knee for good on April 10th. Since then I have had it x-rayed, acupunctured, and consistently balmed. The bruise and swelling have worn off and I am on a waiting list for surgery. I waited for three weeks to return to yoga, trying almost every day to kneel down to see if I could yet. I still can't but I managed well in my first class back last Thursday.
The bike we found out front has become useful now, as it is the only physio I can really do, and pedaling is supposed to be beneficial. I took my first spin around the block on Sunday, after Luke jumped on the rear tire and loosened the brakes out so it rolls. Hurts when my knee is fully bent, at the top of the pedal's rotation, but only for a minute or five.

Three more days of riding the junker under my belt, and I'm feeling the need to tighten it already. This shit is challenging!
Monday I took a run around Courtenay, a short loop that actually took a lot less time than I thought it would, and was also harder on my knee and lungs than I thought it would be.
Tuesday I rolled to the ferry and into Van. I found out in Nanaimo, in a rush to get to the ferry from my secret parking space, that you cannot jam down hills at any reasonable speed with a tacoed rear tire. This thing does look as though its about to shake right off, and the speed wobbles are difficult to correct with such a tiny steering structure. I nearly ate shit.
Wednesday I rode across town, a nice big line starting up Commercial, out to Sunrise, and then into downtown to catch the bus back to the ferry and my truck.
Great start to getting back to cardio!

70 days til sayulita

Countdown is so on. First week of new workout so done. A lot of it was frustrating, mostly because some of it is so hard. So I have goals to reach in doing it anyway. A lot of it was good. I feel like it will do what it is supposed to do. I miss yoga, I am going to get some kind of passes. I feel like 2x/week will be enough to keep me happy while I am also doing 4 days of serious working out and a couple days of weights. It all stills my brain, which is good for me. Except I just don't have much to say about it.
Missing running now that the sun is out. My knee won't have it right now or for awhile yet, though.
That is all. Back to homework.

next?

Yoga membership ended today. I'm not sure whether to renew yet. I might have the bon chance to intern at BC Women's Hospital for a month, and I can't afford to pay for a missed month of yoga right now!
After today's 'last class' I came home and tried the first of my new at-home-video type workouts. It was a core one, and it made me cry. It could have been the fact that I'd already just worked out for an hour and a half on two cups of coffee and a brek sam and it was 5 o'clock...but it was seriously hard!
After it was over (and it went really fast!), I felt great. I couldn't keep up the whole way, which gives me a lot of room to improve and see change. I collapsed during four of them, not even halfway through the one minute of sustained motion or balancing or whatever. So I know the day that I can do the whole thing the whole way, then I am done. My sense of motivation, and commitment feels renewed. Seriously, if all I did was this one every day until June, it would be enough, I think, but there are others. A bunch of others. I hope they don't all make me cry.

I will probably still renew my yoga stuff, if not here, then wherever I end up, there are a lot of good 30 day deals. I like being able to go whenever, and I have been going a lot! I didn't make my goal of 14 out of 16 days, that I made on the 15th of March, but 12 of 16 feels pretty good, too.
Trying to rustle up some other motivators, to keep this going for me. If I wasn't in so much student debt, I think I would go buy some new gear. I have enough, though... really, it would just feel nice to switch it up and give the oldies away while they're still good.
Motivating factor is the good food I've been eating! I have lowered my monthly grocery this month, and eaten even better than last! Didn't think I could spend less than $100 and still eat as much as I have been. Thank you very much, fruit and vegetables!
Biggest motivator is Mexico in less than 90 days, I will not be wearing much more than my bikini for 7 days straight, and I intend to do it right.

PB, arrr!

I don't even drink beer. P, that's for you. What I'm talking about is my personal best class today!
I took Monday off. I wouldn't have, but there was a 'mandatory donation' in place to be able to attend the class, or what I call, "a fee". Since I have paid upfront for my classes, and already donated plenty of my debt this month to charities of my choice, I felt totally choked that I could not get back on the horse so soon after my knee injury on Saturday.
Anyways, returned on Tuesday for a good one, and today for a great one. I blame it on my crazy greens protein shake! I made another today. This one tasted worse than yesterdays and yesterdays was so good, but I drank ALL of it anyways. I put in an orange, half banana, a cup of blueberries, OJ, some vanilla yogurt, some ginger, a cup and a half of spinach, a scoop of protein powder, and then some milk, cos I kind of messed up at the end and spilled the pulp out into the juice part and made it too thick...any hoo.
Great class. At master P when I wanted to lay down, I just didn't. I had a scary time, though. At one point the smell of poop surrounded me, and I actually wasn't sure that I didn't crap my pants. I had a nightmare two minutes, trying to figure out whether it was me...then it went away. I just did what I was told, and I made every posture in this class, I just ignored my knee. Then the smell came back. Again, all I could think of was my crazy protein shake, with all of the crazy stuff mixed together. Had it made a nasty stew in my belly? Could I have not noticed doing that? Omgomgomgomg, I was totally freaking out, then I heard the guy behind me in the corner fart, which was funny, which explained the smell enough for me for now. Awesome class. Now to crank out another paper.
PS It wasnt me.

blew it

I went to class today, just before work. I had such a good day, and I think it came through in my practice. I was smiling to myself about my afternoon. The teacher is the one whose middle I made fun of and still feel bad about writing those things. I like her now that the yoga isn't frying my brain. I did the warm up today, all the way. My knees were strong all the way, and my feet weren't so bad. My standing bow pulling was kick ass. I went easy through the spine series cos my spine is still sore from doing so awesome all week. My focus was good, especially at the start. It wasn't until a ways through the class that I noticed the emaciated ex stripper lady with the cold eyes watching. Whatever. Super disappointed now since I hurt my knee again at work. I don't want to have to wait another three months to skate. No fair!

spinal tap

ohhhkay, so three more classes down this week, feet still hurting, knees still not quite locking, but feeling a difference, they are getting stronger. Right now I am struggling with a new ache in my spine. I finally figured out the grab and pull hehe in turtle, and felt the delicious, slinky coil spine stretch, pulling my back like a spring. I also am getting my feet way up in locust, with my weight moving into my shoulders like she says, and all of those back bends I am killing. So after finally getting into camel twice now, and really pulling my spine apart in turtle, I have a serious burning spinal column. This is being sore in a place that I am afraid to be sore in. Its freaking me out a bit. I can't massage it, and I don't really want to stop, either. I hope the aches quit sooner than later.

master P

Went again after practicum to a yoga class. Lori was there and that was fun to have a friend to giggle with in class.

Had a lot of sore spots today: right shoulder, right knee, right foot, left ankle. In standing head to knee, I've started cheating, I think. But it feels better on my feet. The only way I can lock my knee is by doing what everyone else is doing, and that is what an instructor has corrected me from doing before, which is holding my foot high up, so my bent knee is more up and down, and I am not so bent over. That makes it so simple to lock my knee. I didn't pull in the pulling foot floor teardrop one, I rested. My knee has popped and hurt in that one before, today it hurt already. My spine is sore, too, from my extra tough stretching, so I didn't give it as much today in cobra, either.

A lady was staring a lot today, she is the starey one. I have a hard time staring into my own eyes. I look down instead, I am noticing. Oh yeah, and I finally felt it in the master posture triangle pose. I am not yet touching my toes, my feet are hurting at the extreme angles, so I am not way down there, but I can feel that I have the movement right, finally. This one posture has been an enemy for some time. I will lay down to skip it, but today I felt the good stretch through my chest like she always says...got it.

sad feet

This picture is to remind me my feet are okay and will heal.

Two more again. Today and yesterday. Both days with Sophie. She would be my favorite except she is like a boot camp general, and makes me work too hard some days when I am so sure I would have made it through every posture if I just hadn't pushed so much to keep my arms so straight, my tummy in the whole time, pointing my toes all the way to the back wall. So basically she is my inner perfectionist's favorite instructor, and my inner hippy's worst enemy. Today I was feeling more spiritual than athletic. Go figure.

I ran down from school, and discovered I'd gotten my period just before class started. Of course I had given away my bottom-of-the-backpack-pocket-back-up 'pon, so I was worried I would bust out at some point in the class. I am always the most inapppropriate one in any room. Oh yes, yesterday I wore a white bra top without really thinking about it beforehand. Nipples up front, try not to look!

Yep, that's me. I'm getting used to my embarrassing lapses in judgement, but today was okay. Somehow my biggest embarrassment today was when she told the class there was nothing else to do but breathe after first set of master posture, just as I slumped down to the floor for a dizzy spell rest, and she said, "okay, I guess there is more than just one thing you could do". My ankles hurt SO much today! In standing fixed firm head to knee...is that two different ones? I don't remember. But it's the first one really in the balancing series, and my feet were having none of it. That proximal phalange in my right foot, and my left ankle where I got slammed by a skate last week just were fighting every balance attempt. So by the time we got to master p. I couldn't not hear their little feet voices in my head, screaming, NO! PLEASE DONT DO THIS! anymore.

I rocked the floor and spine strengthening part, though, really feeling the stretch in my tummy muscles when back bending, and just telling gravity to fuck right off as I lifted my entire body up away from the floor. I love that feeling. In camel tonight I leaned way back. I felt like crying as I laid down afterward, but with a smile on my face. Bring out theuncomforatable feelings, the memories of pain, and the attempts at protection, it's time for their disposal! I loved every second of it. Its a little different now that I can breathe better.

Looking forward to tomorrow's class to break up my busy day. Hopefully my feet are actually getting stronger, and working out their poor little painful memories as well.

two more hits with the snake

Yesterday and today I went back for more constructive annihilation. I dont remember much of yesterdays class. It was hard, but I had energy, I ate a lot through the day, and drank a few litres of water.

I was worrying about today's class 'cos I was a little hungover, and not well rehydrated. I thought it would suck. Today's class was boss. I did every posture. I pushed myself hard, and I found some kind of comfortable breathing thing. I wasn't dying for air for the first time. Not once. My savasanas were serious breath recovery focused. I did not pant like the crazy dragon I thought I was destined to be. Could it be that I shocked the monkey panic out in my snow slip, slide, and spin last night? My other favorite part is that my abdomen feels like I got punched a thousand times in it, and I'm getting those really painful sores on the top of my feet from kneeling a lot. Which is awesome.

mar3 class2

Yup.. went to class today. I'm writing it down to keep track of my program. It was a good class for me, looking forward to going tomorrow, but now I have to choose between exercise and socializing.
I liked the instructor today, going to try to get back to the 3 o'clock class, as it is smaller than the 5, so if I have my practicum on Tuesdays this will work.

biggest loser time

I will be the biggest loser. Sorry Kathie, I cannot wait to get this started. I have been steady putting on the weight over the winter season, as I am holed up in here writing papers, reading school texts, and pushing my way through it with cookie and chocolate incentives. The greatest blow/motivator came on Monday, as I was in the middle of my Skate Like A Girl class. I was crouched down, helping a gal with her stance, holding her board while she adjusted her feet, and ccrrrriiicckkk! The ass of my pants broke open like an egg. But slower. And more painfully.

I really only first noticed the new extra weight around my hips the other day when I was trying to get fancy to emcee at an event. My fancy pants were a few inches away from doing up. I do not weigh myself. I have never measured my thigh, hip, anything... well... Okay, I have measured my bust. I was once an anxious to grow young lady, whatever. But these days, I measure by my fancy pants. I love my fancy pants. I rarely wear them, but when I do. I feel like a star. They are fine ass fancy pants. Not fitting fancy pants right now, and I want to wear them!

So it is on. I have considered taking pictures of myself. You all will never see those if I choose to. Unless something phenomenal happens. If I feel have a reason to boast, you're damn right I will. Until then, here is my plan:

I am not going to pretend to try to eat differently right off the mark. If changes get happening, and I am close to where I feel I want to be, and that is the last leg of whatever journey this is, then great, I'll make some changes. But fucking with/obsessing over/caring too much about what I eat is my last resort. I eat ... not too bad. I wanted to say pretty well, but there aren't enough fruits and veg in my life just yet. I would like to change that.

I am going to get back onto the yoga mat. My knee is still owie, and now my ankles are jiving me, too. So there is a bit of rehabilitation to get done, and a lot of strength lost from in my legs over the past two months of healing. M.F.-ing injuries.

When I am feeling stronger, I will get back on the cardio. I miss running when the sun is out, I would love to run up to the college for school days. It's a good, challenging 8k.

I'm almost embarrassed to say it, but I am thinking of checking out those P90X vids. Shit, I said it. For a switch, I guess. I like not going to the gym, too, so if those can help me do what I need to do, and not have to go there, then great.

Kathie, I know we talked about some things to motivate. I dont remember exactly, but here are my

top four reasons for this whole trip:

1. to skate better. I will fakie rock the shit out of that bowl this summer, dammit! With utmost ease.

2. to feel better. I am so sick of being sick, and tired. My energy is always up there when I exercise regularly. Also exercise prevents a lot of diseases. Nutrition, too. I worry about those more than I would like to.

3. REHAB. I am still, and may always be injured in my back and hip. I might always have a limp. But it doesn't have to hurt all the time, or at all. This I have learned over the past year.

4. to feel good in my bikini. Obviously, and unavoidably, and I am not going to pretend it doesn't matter to me that I look hot this summer when I finally get to peel all these goddamn layers off and traipse around town in my bikinis. If it all goes well, you might see me at the bank. In my bikini. And you will stare. And you will hate me. And you will be soooo jealous.

Tonight was the first yoga class back in a month. No more cat in a bag feeling. I can breathe again, which feels super. Didn't make it easy. It felt good anyway.

wet cat

Thats how I felt tonight. I was completely dissassembled over the course of the class. I went for camel, and it finally happened. I opened up my chest, I went back all the way, and afterwards I collapsed in a heap of wet mess and did not even care. I cried. No biggie, by that point, my face was so red and soaked, no one could possibly have known, but I let loose a few tears and just acknowledged that, yeah, I'm stressed, Im stretched thin, Im going through a lot of memories, a lot of emotions lately with my practicums, I'm tired, feel sick, and a little lonely, so I let it out. I felt much better afterwards, I no longer felt pukey, like the sick in my stomach was those emotions all held in and not hunger after all. I actually felt so good after that I tried to resolve to cry more next time, but I guess there really is no planning that.

name change?

I'm considering an alteration. The running thing is all last year for me, I don't envision a lot more of it in my future. Maybe a nice once a week thing...depends on how my knee heals now, too.

I injured my knee when I got back to the cold after my Mexican Solstice holiday. Big Monday night living room dance party, Van Halen, Diamond Dave, 'Jump', high kicks in my living room, you got the picture. For some reason, after six weeks away from any exercise at all, the very excellent-off-the-couch-split-scissor-kick was amazing in the air, but really lacked on the heavy landing. I am a bit limping now, with a tender spot on the inside of my left knee. Had to cancel my skate lessons for the month. NOT happy AT ALL. the one thing I'd managed not to hurt yet. bam.

The yoga has given me more strength and vitality in 16 sessions than running did. It seemed that the running always hurt. I got some good out of it, I will not stop completely, but I don't see myself feeling the need to prove to myself any more that I can run farther than anyone really needs to these days.

So, studio back open, two more unlimited student months on the roll, and except for taking it a bit easy on the knee its good, very good, to be back. It is still the most challenging, and most worthwhile thing at the same time. It is good for my mind when all this school thinking just isn't.