Game on!

Haha, today I was back to the plan, and stuck to it. I rode to and from work, to yoga, and then the short bridge to bridge loop . I rode fast and hard. Yoga class is what saved me today. I have been stressed at my practicum. It's a lot of heavy mind and spirit work every day, and my spirit is not in shape. In the past I got to a place in my spirit work and stopped because I was at a place where I could cope with life. There is more to be done. Its good to be forced to work on it, since I have been coasting on 'good enough' for awhile when I could probably be a lot more of myself. But it is tiresome.
Anyway, I went to class. Barely. I felt like quitting before I started, and had a tough time. What kept me going was that sight in the mirror...are those abs? Oh my, yes they might be...wait...look again, no work harder, was that one there? Try harder...wow, look at that!... and so it went. And they kept appearing. And I kept pushing. And so my vigor in this fit quest is temporarily renewed. At least until the next mean craving that I either have to deny or cave into.

deny-it

So I was feeling pretty guilty starting today off, after a cookie making sesh at the LINC yesterday where I chopped up a lot of chocolate, ate a bunch along the way, and then consumed a fair share of the finished product.
There was something else that I mindlessly stuffed into my mouth, but I am blocking that out- oh, right- when I got home after Saturday's late shift, I watched a few Breaking Bad episodes and chowed the last of the jumbo bag of mini eggs. Took three hours. Yeah. Maybe 20...oops.
And there was also on the weekend, the commiserating with a dear friend in need where that bottle of wine seemed to disappear between rounds of ' modern' dancing, singing or lipsincing, as well as a fair bit of crying and hugging and sharing. Yes, and then there was the morning cheeseburger that I couldn't have gotten out of bed without. So by the time I encountered the delicious banana bread loaf today, eating several slices of it seemed to be a drop in the bucket.

Truth is, it was all just a self sabotage of my goal that I am working so hard to reach. Yes, I did still do every single exercise in my workout video (out of guilt or shame), and yes, today I rode my 10k route, working to get my heart rate up (while also sweating out all the alcohol in my system). But I couldn't get it out of my head that I have not lost a single pound in two weeks of denial and exercising daily.

Okay...fuck, really? Who is this person?!
I've never been this person, and I don't like this feeling of guilt. This feeling that I've betrayed myself, my plan.
I'm not sure if I want to be this obsessed about my body. Fuck this. I have never not gotten in shape when I decided it was time, why am I putting so much pressure on myself now? Oh...right, because I am hurt, and scared that things aren't going my way. I can't stretch this injury away, or power through it. I am not in control of this hurt. I need something to control.

I eat well. I am healthy. I work hard. I have enough to worry about without obsessing over food.
FUCK DIETING.

ab rock

It's been nearly two weeks of trying to eat better (read: denying myself all of my favorite things) , and riding my bike all around town. My scale hasn't budged, but I think/hope/pray I am seeing a difference. Because if it isn't working, I am so outta here...I want so badly to eat like ten little rounds of a baguette carefully spreading butter or brie on top of each slice...I want to melt 25 Cadbury mini eggs in my mouth, rolling the crunchy coating off one by one...I want to twirl up forkfuls of creamy alfredo covered linguine, and roll them around the edges of the bowl to collect all of the delicious bacon cream sauce, and just keep going until I am about to burst. But I won't. I am feeling minor improvements.
Today, for example, I finally did every single exercise in my abs workout, exactly as many times as they told me to. 25 reps of 14 exercises. So what that it took me 45 minutes to finish a 15 minute video. I finished it for reals. I have made it all the way up fifth street a couple of times now without my lungs feeling like they are exploding.
It is happening little by bit.

oops, NOW its 30!

haha, still rocking onward.
two more days, two more bike rides, two more yoga classes behind me. Keep going until I must sleep seems to be my motto. Exhaust myself, then rest hard. Then do it again. Today is another 12 hour workday, then I will come home and do what I can here, then sleep again.
Food changes are finding me hungry at night. I guess I need more food at dinner.

30 day countdown!

Holy Crap! 30 days until I am supposed to be wearing a bathing suit!
So today I rode my bike to Royston. And now I am going to yoga. My tummy does not feel too hot, but I think that is me trying to find a way out of going to yoga.

week one down

Week one of changing my food patterns is done. It started out easy. I was sick, food was not appetizing. Since then I have changed most of my meals, if not what they were, then how much of it there was. Greens type of meal drink to help get my five servings in the a.m. Then smaller portions of salad for lunch, and a different kind. I didn't make a smaller salad, I just stopped eating it when my body told me it was done.
Friday night celebration of my academic award, I ate my treat pasta until I was satisfied, then took the rest home for snacks. There is chocolate in the house that I am not devouring. Instead last night I ate an orange. I am still not getting all of my cardio. The sickness I mentioned has just barely lifted now so that I can breathe again and get back to really working. So here goes.
I am not happy in my skin right now. Summer is slow to arrive this year, and this knee injury is driving me crazy. I just want to go skate today. I will work a way around it. I will not give up.
I also have to start hassling my way into surgery. Sooner the better.

almost done

Today has been a pretty special day for me. I biked to both jobs and worked 12 hours. I stayed in a great mood all day, and I ate no crap. I ate only to fuel. Managed to not feed the need for calm and love and comfort with gummies at the LINC for once. I did well. Might be feeling up to a short core workout before bed now.

working on it

I've been riding every day except grocery day, to and from work. I've gotten the mad allergy bug in my throat, an angry burn that just last night moved up into my sinuses. Can't decide which part was worse. Still can't breathe deeply. I took Monday off of riding b/c I really couldn't breathe, and nearly passed out when I did have to leave the house to go teach a skate lesson. Today I did a work out vid in the living room, and chased the mower, both with my brace on. Felt safer doing some of the side to side moves, some of them still couldn't happen, and didn't bother with any hopping, skipping, leg swinging action. Step tap step tap. Hacking and sputtering. Life is so different when I cant breathe and only have one good leg! Oh well, I'm sure this allergy attack is almost over. Tomorrow, more riding.

tomorrow, we ride

Awe crap, so I went to the 7pm yoga class after work after school tonight to find out it wasn't on. I mixed up my times. What is good is that I chased my mower around for a little while today, three hours, got good and sweaty, enjoyed the sun in a tanktop and shorts. Tomorrow, we ride...

Rolling Steady

43 days until Sayulita!

I had to take time off since I twisted my knee for good on April 10th. Since then I have had it x-rayed, acupunctured, and consistently balmed. The bruise and swelling have worn off and I am on a waiting list for surgery. I waited for three weeks to return to yoga, trying almost every day to kneel down to see if I could yet. I still can't but I managed well in my first class back last Thursday.
The bike we found out front has become useful now, as it is the only physio I can really do, and pedaling is supposed to be beneficial. I took my first spin around the block on Sunday, after Luke jumped on the rear tire and loosened the brakes out so it rolls. Hurts when my knee is fully bent, at the top of the pedal's rotation, but only for a minute or five.

Three more days of riding the junker under my belt, and I'm feeling the need to tighten it already. This shit is challenging!
Monday I took a run around Courtenay, a short loop that actually took a lot less time than I thought it would, and was also harder on my knee and lungs than I thought it would be.
Tuesday I rolled to the ferry and into Van. I found out in Nanaimo, in a rush to get to the ferry from my secret parking space, that you cannot jam down hills at any reasonable speed with a tacoed rear tire. This thing does look as though its about to shake right off, and the speed wobbles are difficult to correct with such a tiny steering structure. I nearly ate shit.
Wednesday I rode across town, a nice big line starting up Commercial, out to Sunrise, and then into downtown to catch the bus back to the ferry and my truck.
Great start to getting back to cardio!