indoor day!

I went up to the pool this morning, cos my house is too cold to shower in right now. I am not getting into the groove of lighting fires, I don't know why I can't get the hang of it. I can light a campfire no problem, but I can't stack the wood the same inside this fireplace! Anyway...
I sat in the steam room for ten minutes, it was great. I was intense. It was magical. There was one man in there, and he was chanting, very quietly, but the echo combined with my sub par hearing made it pretty phenomenal. He chanted the whole time. It made a mundane and kind of difficult experience excellent. Thanks, chanting man!
Then I went into the gym and ran on the treadmill for 45 minutes. I went 5.4 kms. I ran slow. My knees ached a little, but it felt so good to sweat, and I didnt get out of breathe at all, even when I cranked up the pace. Then I went to meet with school project friends in the cafeteria.
I miss yoga, though. My muscles and tendons and ligaments are dying for stretchies! They hijack me and force me to stretch them at odd times. Soon, there is a bunch of equipment in there today. Soon.

oh no!

MASSIVE FLOOD in the yoga studio!
Luke is making fun of me because I am kind of freaking out! No yoga...for how long? Can they find an alternate place to do it? When can I go again? I am having awesome pain free skate sessions! I am learning new things! It cannot stop now! There is no way I can switch back to running right now with these arctic winds blowing through here. Oh dear...can't wait to see what happens next.

16

Yeah so I might have over done it a little tonight, or maybe I didnt. Its rare that I come out of the place with a pinch. But I pretty much bent myself right in half in the 'I'm flying!' one. I will live and go back Monday and fix it. I did pretty well tonight. I stood behind the super serious, but really good lady. I decided it was up to me to help her not be so serious and enjoy her yoga more. I had an awkward moment when I first got there, and I chose a new place to be, more in the middle of the room, about four spaces away from the side and in the third of four rows back from the front. I was expecting a capacity class, so I unrolled my mat fairly near to this other serious guy. He's the guy who gets there super early and does a practice before practice. I usually just fuff him in my head, and lay still and try to not notice him as I use the pre time to relax into the floor and get loose and calm and ready. Well he stopped what he was doing and watched me unroll. When I walked to the back to hang my pants over the barre, he picked up his kit and moved up to the front. I decided right then to confront him after class and kill 'eem wid kindness, brah. But I felt weird for awhile and had a harder time relaxing. Was I wrong to want to prepare for a crowd, so I could lay still until class started and relax without feeling space hoggy, and having to do the shuffle shuffle every time another person was trying to wedge themselves in? No I wasn't. But I am new. The etiquette is beyond me still.

Class went well. Ended up only being 3 rows. I moved my mat up a bit, and over, so I was staggered in between serious 1 and serious 2 in the mirror. New guy beside me, 2 newbies behind me. One of whom, I overheard feeling a little cocky about manning through the heat of class, cos "I was in Afganistan". Well, that made me eager to see if he would make it, didn't it? Schadenfreude, here I come!

Great class. I worked really hard. I had to. In front I had the seriouso's and behind I had people falling all over the place. Focus and struggle. I shook, and was so glad I wore a tank top. Last time I shook like that I was all jello in the tum and it made me want to barf and then eat and then barf, etc. Not really, but when you stand in front of a mirror behind someone who measures and weighs and portion controls like serious 1 and 2 quite obviously must, you get to feel a bit jiggledy, even when you look as rad as I do!

I cheered myself on, and smiled alot, and laughed and listened to the instructor's cheesy jokes, and sometimes very cool things to remember to tell myself, like "this is yoga practice, not yoga perfect". I stuck my butt out further in awkward 1. I see people that think they are awesome get super low, but lean way forward. Well, I could do that, but it is so much harder if I don't.Worked on form. I am starting to loathe triangles and also at the end where you hold your toes and pull. I might have tried too hard. Hence the current back owes. Oh well. I'm starving. I could go on. I was so present hat I actually remember it all. Important for me to remember:

-Engage abdominal muscles on all forward bends. It is nearly impossible for me to keep it tight, so thats one thing to work on, and it will remove the back owes. Too much strength in back, not enough in front is what is causing the mayhem.

- Fuckin' BREATHE! When I have to choke my throat, I dont want to cos it feels gross, but I must.

-Lock knee. Keep trying. It hurts, still. It shakes, and bounces itself out. It doesn't like to be locked, it tells me it hurts. Keep trying. I did it for a few moments in a few of the postures and felt an immediate difference in the strength and groundedness in the posture, it was like a concrete lightning bolt shot down my leg for about five seconds, and nothing could have moved me.

-keep smiling. It is helping.

fifteeny

I am losing count, and good things are happening. My PMA is kicking in full swing. I realised today that I was feeling pain in my hip for the first time in awhile-I never want to miss yoga again!
I can clearly see certain muscles-in my legs, mind you, no taut tummy for me, maybe ever, but she's lookin good:) Smiling comes easier now, during class. Sure, I had a little near pass out tonight, but only cos I rocked pulling bow. The whole floor series was a cinch tonight. Camel was no nig deal. It felt great! Bent back, looking at the wall. Couldnt find my feet to reach down, so I kept my hands firmly planted behind my hips. Just awesome.
Can't wait til tomorrow!

back in the mix

I took five whole days off yoga and went surfing! I started missing it on day 2. I have developed sores on the tops of my feet where I kneel for some of the floor stuff, and there is a dry patch under my chin from the same, weird to think I will develop a callous in both places pretty soon. In the meantime, my feet hurt! Five days wasn't quite enough to heal it, but it was close. I got a tattoo under my upper arm on day 2 away from yoga. I gave it 3 whole days of rest, and now I am sweating the scabs off in little black dirty looking juicy pieces that stick to my leg, and roll up into my armpit. Needless to say I was a mess at my first class back tonight. I even forgot to take my eye makeup off, and when I caught a glimpse of my scary red raccoon face in the mirror, I nearly fell down. It actually threw me off for all three of the awkward poses. I had no balance or control cos I couldnt quit thinking about how gnarly my face looked! hahah!

I did every standing posture. I tried to go lower down in triangle, and it felt better. Hard, but like I was getting the 'chest-opening' stretch thats been eluding me up until now. Get low. I got shooting pains in my left knee on tree to toe, when I tried to bend forward, so I just stood. I noticed a little bit of a rewind in my balance and strength, but my flexibility stuck around- a huge suprise to me. I rested my head on the ground in standing forward bend, or whatever the lovely feeling swan dive one is.

Camel...urg, it got me again. I feel like such a lump when I get to the front of my mat, just kneeling, and something in me reacts and violently revolts. I flop forward like a blob onto my towel while the whole row in front of me is contorting backwards towards me like wacky snakes, eyes watching me fail. Fuck you camel, tonight you won. I started to get nervous two postures in advance of it, and that kills me. Oh well, sometimes I am a nervous person. I am working on that.

Overall, totally successful class. I was worried I would talk myself out of going, but the results are immediate in my mind, so it's hard to try and tell myself its not worthwhile.

number 13

Tonight I swung my bootay like I had a tail! It felt good to walk like a girl! Most of the time I limp or am stiff in the hips. It usually hurts to walk, and takes effort and attention and care to keep from hurting. Tonight when I left the studio, I felt no pain.
I have been to yoga every day since Monday. I had two really great classes in a row. Monday was cooooooool cos it was half as many people. I ran over there after my skate lessons and got into a good spot. I gave camel my all, and didnt feel nasty one bit. I think the heat hurts me during camel, but I dont know yet, it could be alot of things.
Tuesday was a super hard day at school again, way out of my comfort zone. I forgot all of this heavy shit would come along with doing a program like this...The stressed out, tight-chested emotions that come with talking about family problems. The feelings get squished out of the recesses of my brain in an instant as we discuss violence and abuse, and images spring to mind...and then I want to nap. Right away. Tuesday we had to hug each other, the whole class one after another after another. It was hard not to run away. It was stressful. It meant connecting, which I'd rather not do in person.
That Tuesday class was great, relaxing, releasing. I have made it a habit to smile in between each posture, and shake it all out, if I feel like thats what I need to do. I wiggle my head alot, my neck gets stiff, then my chest and back, and then I am not breathing. So I wiggle and shake and kick it out. The smiles are forced most of the time, but they help to remind me that what I am doing is hard. What I am doing is good for me. What I am doing is an accomplishment. Each posture. Each stretch. Each muscle that I get to feel is one more than I felt yesterday.
Today's class was tough. I was in the back corner, smiling to myself and imagining how I looked as I did my stuff. I couldnt see the front mirror. Paula sent me a yoga newsletter that was funny. It mentioned that yogis lose it if they cant see the mirror, and also that they need to practice moving their spot around and not get attached and territorial with their places. I have been moving around, but maybe others aren't, and that is why I am getting dirty looks! I will just keep smiling back.
It got hot today! I think that the corner and maybe even next to the walls are worse hot than in the middle. I imagine all this hot, stale air just not rising. In my bad image bank head when I am having a hard time breathing, I picture this oppressive, weighted cloud of hot, stale air pushing down from above...and when they open the door or turn on the fan...it pushes it away, but into the corners, or out towards the walls! What a terrible picture in my mind...but if not, then why is it so hard to breathe!? I poured sweat tonight, it was fun.
I asked about bring a friend deals, Paula is coming tomorrow! They don't have any.
Oh well. It will be fun to do yoga again with P! Cant wait.
and then we go surfing! We are being chickens about the cold, but I know we will do it.
We will light a fire in our minds, and do it.

ten out of ten!

I feel really good right now!
I beat the downpour! The rain sounds like a giant fan outside my window blowing through the blinds.
Another full class, but good neighbors. I had the same starey mary in front of me who does postures wrong and cant just not look at me. Its distracting to find someone staring at you in the mirror. I decided it must suck to go through life as such a bitch, and focussed in on my meditation. It was a solid state today. I got there very early, and as soon as I laid down, my moind started wandering to how I did yesterday, what hurt, how I was going to do what today, and whetehr it would be a good class or not...etc. I stopped myself right there, and reminded my mind that today might not go as planned, no matter what I had in mind, and just to let it happen. I decided to make a point of smiling as much as I could, and reassuring myself as much as the instructors do. No one else is going to. "You are doing so great, you can do this", was my mantra, and after every single posture, I smiled at my face in the front mirror and told myself, "Good job!".
I made it through every single posture strong and a little more than before! I did not fall out of anything. I stared into my eyes, or at a random points in space, and focussed. I smiled during postures, amazed at myself. I didnt try to look at myself. I didnt half ass anything. I told myself I wouldn't try as hard on the next one, when I felt gross in between at a few points, but then I got into the next posture and fully went for it again.
Except for camel. I was gentle. I kneeled, felt like passing out, didnt, held my hands on my hips and looked up, up , up, breathing breathing, breathing. It wasn't good, it just was. I did both, and actually let my head fall back the second time. Better than before.
It was a happy class, and I am really proud of myself.
I thought about telling the instructors about how happy I am feeling, but thought I might cry if I did that. I can't get over how good my hips are.
And now, a dinner party.

9th gate

Tonight was a great class!
It was an inches away from your neighbor night. I got sweated on by two strangers, but it couldn't faze me. I worked hard. Really focused on my form, and saw a change in a few things. Really good things that carried me through til the end, smiling all the way, even when I nearly passed out on second triangle, and just about barf cried on camel. Cant stop me now. Right off the bat, with the breathing at the start, my crunchy shoulder made its squishy noises, but it didn't hurt, and my elbows actually point way way up not out anymore. Clearly I was in a mirror spot tonight. I like that. I like to really see that my hands are firm together, my arms are straight and strong in half moon. I like to be able to see the difference of when my knee really locks in standing head to knee, and where my hips and shoulders are when Im doing eagles. My favorite was in awkward, and eagles, too: really seeing my ribcage when I arch my back, cos that makes all the difference for my balance. I had an awesome, strong standing series, but got right fuckin dizzy a few times. I just focused on breathing and kept going. I am working really hard. I love feeling all of the stretches where the instructor says I should. I love pointing my toes to the back wall, and trying to touch the front mirror, feeling the line all the way across the tipping forward one, knowing I am a perfect, beautiful T. Even if I am ragged dragon breathing through my nose. I feel stronger. I notice more flexibility each class. I see my feet over my head in standing bow. I didnt think of much of anything in savasana. Wandered a little to how awesome I am doing now as opposed to when I first came here to the valley. Set my intention to keep getting better. I was a wet rag. I feel like no one possibly could sweat as much as I do. I sighed a lot tonight in the in between rests. I was grinding it out. Camel tried to fuck with me. The first one made me sick cry pass out. I said, no, I can do this, and for the second I didnt try quite as hard to do it perfectly. In fact, I just knelt with my hands on my hips, barely looking up, and decided that that is exactly what I'll do from now on. A little at a time. It will come.
At the end I couldn't get up for a long time. I was lightheaded. I felt proud and like a noodle. Weak, and still squirting out sweat everywhere! I just laid there until I was sure I would't fall down on my way out.
Bonus-Emily the instructor told me they are thinking about adding classes. Yes! There are almost 60 people doing the 30 day challenge, and only 2 classes a day on Fri-Sat-Sun.
Looking forward to getting wrecked some more tomorrow!
TV and sloth time.

8

I am trying really hard to not rhyme anything with the title.
I just finished grocery shopping, after just finishing smoothing my squash soup in the magic bullet and freezing it in school sized portions. After I'd just finished putting the laundry on, cos Im out of little yoga clothes, after I got out of the shower. After I said hey to Richie Brotze who's here for a visit, after I made it home through the never fading foggy windshield, after I made it through my eighth class strong and pain free!
I fuckin did camel tonight without totally failing, and I tasted those chemicals, and I breathed them out in my loud, dragony, panting nose breaths! Out, out chemical lungs! My floor work was solid, no half stepping, or half rolling on my belly, as it is.
My standing series was...not so great. I flooped down after first triangle. I am going to have to ask about those, I don't feel like I am doing it right, it just feels awkward. Do I bend at the waist to touch my toes? I don't get the impression that I do that, but if I don't bend my back, I am stuck in the middle of the air, feeling nowhere. Yeah, I was uncomfortable as hell tonight, and it killed me. I had to chill after that until they came to me on the floor. I tried to get up for tree, cos I love tree, and I nearly blacked out. I was up for the straight leg tucked chin, forehead to knee, two feet on the ground deal, though, and I came up strong, no pushing off the thigh tonight. I am getting my quad strength back quickly. I couldn't even lay down when the world went black, since there were so many people, the triangles went all across two peoples spaces at least. I couldn't see my form in the mirror, I went back next to the door to get air.
I asked before I went in whether they were opening more classes, and she said no, and I was kind of grumpy. Then 'she' was the instructor, and she was a great instructor. I felt like she was helping me especially, since I told her how I struggled last night in the busy, full-class-heat. I tried to smile alot during class. She is a beanpole, looks like the girl who won the half in Vic. Tall, and toned muscles all over. Damn, she had tummy muscles when she was relaxing! She is in the pictures that are on the walls. I liked her voice, she was very encouraging, and there was something she said...that was in just the right...tone of voice...for it to feel like it sounded...what was it...next time...
Anyways, I made it through, and I smiled, and I feel good. Loose still. Stronger still. Even if that is only in my head.

lucky#7

So last night I went for a skate, late, after hours, park all mine, music blowing my hair back, and I let 'er rip. The difference in my skating is huge since I started running, and now that I've added in this bonus of yoga. My world is changing FAST back into that one where you decide you are going to do something, and then you go and pull it off. I have been away from this world and in the land of I-think-that-will-fuck-me-up-pull-a-muscle-twist-a-joint-my-body-hurts-too-much-to-try-fall-or-fail-at-trying-that. Phew! Glad to be back!
Tonight was class #7. November 30 day challenge has started, and I am going to have to try to go in the a.m. Not that it was bad, but...it was bad! Where I thought the room was pretty full with 25 people, tonight I counted 49. We had to hover hands over each other's back for the airplane move. Glad I stuck to the wall near the door. It was also incredibly hot, and I melted just before standing tree. But, I touched my forehead to the ground tonight in the one before triangles! Yeah! Triangles still bum me out, I think I'm going to start going for it with those, it's too much mental hassle not to. The hovering, half bent thing I just don't understand, and I get discouraged. I'm learning that just the idea of not being able to do it kills me! Camel also made me die, what is up with that! I'm really getting tired of it. I steeled myself and tried for the second go, and barely made it to the floor to lay down. When I phlumped down, I tasted chemicals. I have toxins to get rid of! I want this!
I am so looking forward to rock to fakies, kickflip fakie rocks. I got solid tailstalls down, and some big fat punk rock grinds all for myself on a rainy Monday night in Courtenay. I feel it coming on.
Bring it!