184 days -6

Sometimes I work nights. I know they screw up my system but I haven't got alot of choice right now. I want hours, and that is the form they are coming to me at one of my two jobs. They are awake night-shifts, with check in calls, monitoring a crisis call line at a women's safe house. The truth is that I nod off every time between calls, but it isn't the kind of sleep that is worthwhile. I spaz awake every time the alarm company calls to check in. I have chores that have to get done between 11-1 at night, or 5-7 in the morning. I put on my sunglasses as I drive home, rain or shine, and crawl into bed It fu ks me every time.
Yesterday I ended up sleeping until 3. I got up and tried to motivate for the gym, the grocery run that needed doing. Could not fathom how to manage being seen in public. It isn't that I imagine that I look like an ogre, it's just that some days I cannot bear to be looked at. The judgements are constant, inescapable and I can feel them raining down on me some days. I cannot stand the eyes on me.
So, instead I ate bitefuls of what was leftover in the fridge. Olives. Some not yet formed date energy ball mix. Half of a leftover ice cream bar in the freezer. A boiled egg. And then went back to bed. Woke up starving at ten and went for massive calorie takeout. Did not get to the gym. Felt frozen in place when I tried to imagine a walk around the neighborhood. Got bummed out about my life. Went back to sleep and somehow slept all night and through my alarm this morning. Amazing.

It's been so long since I've written in this blog so I read back a ways. Following my inspired training run up to not run/running two half marathons, there are a year's worth of posts that grossed me out with how weight obsessed I became. It was a way to mask the injury, stress, and betrayal I was facing at the time, I know that now in hindsight. I don't want to go there again. I feel like I've grown by miles. I have come to face myself, gaining integrity and self-respect through a painful passage I would have never wished for. 

Image by Tara Sellios