My Little Secret...

I've developed this funny secret thing that is about to not at all be a secret. I have to share it because every time I do it I go, "What am I doing!", and laugh at myself. I want you all to laugh with me, at me, whatever, cos it's funny to me that I do this!
OK-my little embarrassing secret: when I finish a run now, and what am I on, week three? I do my stretches, and when I am done with those, I go into my front room that has a big mirror by the door, and I pull up my shirt and flex like a fifteen year old boy at the gym, like, "Look at those muscles!"
I can almost (hardly) see tummy muscles there, and it's so exciting, but I keep thinking that one day I'm going to finish a run and there's going to be a big, crazy, defined, scary sixpack there. Every run. That is almost every day! Hahaha! What a fuckin' weirdo I am! And I swear that this (losing weight/getting fit-whatever this is about) has had very little to do with why I am running this thing. Or so I thought...

Okay, what else. I went to the gym on my off day to make sure I did my physio all the way. Sometimes when I do it at home, I get bored and distracted. OK, most of the time. It was hard, but I did all of the sets, reps, whatever they are called. I felt like doing a little run, since I missed last Sunday, and Tuesday's runs. Felt good. Thighs a little sore, not bad at all.

Today I got off of work all set to do eight laps around the track, but it was dark, and that place is not lit, and for some reason- I guess because it is always empty and far from everywhere- that creeps me out. When is it going to be light again?!
I got home parked and set out with my wacky pedometer on my hip, and my walkman tucked into the front of my sports bra.
Warmed up to Distance Equals Rate Times Time-Pixies-1:19 and
One Road to Freedom-Ben Harper-4:19.
Got running to that one, started slow, and looked at the scenery, the sweet little houses I was running past on 5th Street. Easy pace.
Radiohead-Climbing Up the Walls-4:58
Sped right up at the corner. Got going pretty quickly all the way up Lake Trail Road, past the busy little market. Doubled back where the sidewalk ended, rocked past the market again, and down the side street towards 13th Street. I slowed down as soon as I got around the corner. Do you go faster too when there are people around? "Yeah, I'm fast..." pffft!

Don't Look Now-CCR-2:14 came on as I was in the market parking lot, then Droid-Clutch-4:43
At this point I had checked my distance once, twice, three times. One more time as I got onto Willemar. 1.94! It was starting to feel far!
Black Steel In The Hour Of Chaos-PE- 6:23
Aall the way down Cumberland Rd to Fitzgerald, over to Fourth St.
Ape Drape-Vandals-3:30 down to England St. and back to 6th. THEN my pedometer finally told me I had run THREE KMS? Seriously! I'm sure that was closer to five!

Come On!
hahaha! It felt good, though, I ran the whole way, sometimes sort of fast, really panting and struggling. Oh yeah, which brings me to the other thing that happened today.

I guess I quit smoking. I decided to, anyway. Again.
When I got to work this morning, I realised I had no smokes left in my pack. I had a panic in my heart, in my chest, little breaths, a terror runs through me: I didn't bring my wallet! What should I do! I've felt this way before, I thought about when, and that recognition grossed me out. A lot. I felt sick for a minute and thought about the last time I panicked because I thought I was going to have to go a day with out something or someone. How I felt like-what?- like I would die, or suffer terribly...it was unthinkable to have to go without, like I couldn't do it.
I couldn't imagine myself doing it.
I took a deep breath and told myself I'd done this before, that I had managed to go without things and people I thought I wouldn't be able to live without for a long, long time now, and only good things had happened since I decided to do that...deep deep breaths.
I sat in my truck and looked at the awesome Garry Oak tree that they actually had to design the building I work in around. You aren't allowed to chop them down, they are protected. It is all bare arms and gnarled knuckles right now and reminds me of a puzzle I had when I was a kid, that had cartoon ponies in it, all chillin' under these barren oak trees. As I'm remembering rocking puzzle after puzzle out on that big square heavy table, maybe made of oak, I remember that when I was a kid I could levitate, and build crazy blue forcefields of love and faith around myself, on my will alone. Nobody told me I couldn't.
I am rebuilding my will, I reminded myself.
I've been at it for awhile, in so many ways.
So just sit still and breathe on through it. It worked for today.
Of course, this is probably going to suck for awhile.
I'm prepared for that...I think.
I know the next four days will be okay. When I am not working at that crap ass job, I don't even want to smoke...the test will be returning there to work next week.

Let's hear it for seven kilometers tomorrow!
I am actually looking forward to it!
I can almost see muscles.
In my tummy area.
Hahaha!