I'll rise...

Black thoughts and bad ideas

this day is not my best. I know I have pms, and I've been waiting for my darkest winter low. It hits like this, dont worry, if you didn't know. Bottomed out on my overwhelming onrush of paranoia, hysteria, dread, anxiety, daydream thoughts of future and past situations/failures/achievements/images/feelings...etc, the usual. I stayed in my bed. I haven't really gotten out of bed all day. I don't think I will. The house is really cold. When I do get up, I find that the warmest, most comfortable option is back under the blankets with my sherpa socks and toque on. So I crawl back in. There is no firewood.
I'm not too sure where I'll go if I leave the house, it's best for me on days like these just not to. It's nothing really out of sorts, I seem to lose about a day a month to my insanity, if not a crazy backache. It's one or the other. Contain it and feel the physical pain, or release it and feel the emotional pain. They both suck. But I'm working on growing those feelings!

My back only hurts a little. It's a focused burning today, from the back and on the side. It's not a good thing, but it isn't new. It gets worse at this time of the month every time. It's not enough to keep me from running, but I don't think my run is going to happen. I'm too cold for outside. I'm too cold inside my house...although...running will make me warm.

I watched a documentary on Terry Fox to try and get stoked for going on my run. I shed tears at every phrase, total pms steez! I do feel like a total pussy now, though. Did you know he made 26 miles a day, every day while he was on his x-country mission? Not just on one day, marked on the calendar, when there is a crazy marathon coming up, but every day! He is going up on my hero wall-why isn't he already there? Because I've been slacking at my wall upkeep...

I know it isn't cool to talk about spirituality, but after a day spent inside my dreary mind today, I decided to go see the buddhists. On Tuesdays they have a drop in meditation and lesson. It's in a beautiful little underground temple draped with bright cloths and incredible pictures. The monk chants and we sit quietly and meditate on oneness...or whatever I it is I can't get off my mind. And near the end he'll play that long wooden Tibetan tuba that sounds like you couldnt even lift it, its sound is so heavy. Then he finishes the meditation sesh with the ringing bowl that makes all my hairs stand up and ring with it. Nice.
He talked about blessings...about the daily act of giving something, doing something, to connect yourself with whatever it is that is holy to you. Bigger than you. Even connecting with heroes or people you admire by giving their readings or teachings your time and attention...and just being grateful...as always.
It lifted my spirits a little and took my mind away from my self centered craziness that I guess I get swamped in at pms time. I don't dislike this time, it just brings a lot of troubles to my mind. I've learned that I don't get anxious or stressed about all this stuff for nothing...it is like my deepest feelings alarm clock. It forces me to look at all the crap I normally would try not to, but should...
I don't like the feeling bad, but once I'm through it...I hope I move forward in a different way than I do when I run.

So, this is the story of a failed run day, but I think I took the time I needed to succeed where it matters.
Word.