certainly not

NO, I am not running.
I am barely walking. A tour of LA art museums and skateparks left me nearly crippled, what a bitch.
But I am rehabbing this shit. Do I like being here? because I keep coming back to injure myself... Guess riding on a kneebrace, halfway through knee healing is asking for trouble. Half assed physio/healing seems to create more need for healing...er.
I've been riding a bike all summer for my knee. Still riding, but not as religiously as before. Its not a daily motion, but it ought to be. Today Im heading back to yoga to see what it can do for this. Hopefully me feet don't go entirely numb, as my toes were already disappearing after the first three postures before this injury. Not feeling where your toes are makes balance very difficult!
Doing it anyway. I like walking. Really really like walking...

run day

Today's the day. I promised myself I would try a wee run. I told myself it would happen today. I've been craving the feeling of euphoria it gives me, and the loss of these crazy back-pocket-fat-stores would be nice, too. I am terrified of hurting my knee, so my plan is to make sure I stay under the minimum I think I am capable of. I am sure I could start off with 3k, so my plan is to stick to just 1k. Just for this week. Start small, go slow. Don't push it, even if I think I can.
Can I, just for once, not overdo it? This will be my challenge.

Except for inhaling a bug, that was a short, sweet, and painless 10 minute 1.5! Yay, knee!!! Felt great to be out and pushing it again! Looking forward to next short run. Hope the knee won't complain later!

the void

Hello. I am back again. What happened during that 3 month void since the last time I posted?
I went to Abbotsford to welcome a new baby girl into my family, beautiful Arabella.
Finished my head spinning practicum at a recovery house for women that caused me to question my entire reason behind going to school. Before my two last practicums, I thought I knew what I wanted. Now I am back to square one. I enrolled for the second half of my program in the fall in spite of my doubt. I'm going on faith that this will lead me somewhere good.
Got my motorcycle on the road, went on a road trip to Vancouver.
I went on a wild trip to Mexico that I'd booked back in March, before I hurt my knee and ran out of money. Learned how to flip a butterfly knife like a pro. Nuff said.
When I got home from there, I found out that I had been approved for medical coverage for my knee through WCB. Woot! So I am now on the physio train.
Obstacles have been crashing down from above incessantly, of course. The day before I left for my Mexico trip, some young delinquents stole my trusty ten speed and jumped on the rear wheel, bending the shit out of it. Tried unsuccessfully to fix it myself. I have had it in a shop now for three weeks. It is a weird size or something, he is having a hard time finding a replacement. A replacement that doesn't cost $100.
Oh yeah, because I haven't mentioned mention the cost of not working due to my stupid knee. I have no money for replacement anything. Or rent. Or food. Back to brown beans, tuna, and toast. I splurged on a $30 membership at the community centre gym, since healing my knee is my top priority right now so that I keep my sanity. I started riding the stationary bike for an hour a day, three days a week, a month ago. Went to Van for a fun visit and summertime friends and fell down. I scraped the shit out of my good knee, and ankle, and bruised my left ass so bad I couldn't sit properly for a week, which sidelined the bike riding for a while there. My back is waaaay out from limping around to accommodate this last accident, and hurts at every move again. I have been listening to myself sound like a grumpy old, rickety arthritis sufferer. Cursing every time I have to sit, get up, climb into my truck, everything. My Ipod ate shit last week. Without music to fuel my workout, I am a marionette without a puppeteer. Fuckin lifeless. Been reading a book while I ride. Ugh. Its alright I guess. I think the worst part is having to listen to the tough guys making their taking-a-shit noise while they lift the heavies. Really? Is that necessary? It grosses me out.
I've been shopping for a cheap stationary bike for months now, and finally found one in Nanaimo. Well, that's what the ad said. I went down for a swim at a lake halfway between here and there, so took my truck (which I am also not driving lately, $gas$!) and went to get it. Got to Nanaimo, a 1.5 hour drive from here, and then the lady tells me (following three emails back and forth) that she is actually in Duncan, another hour south. Okay. When I get there, they are sweet, and kind, and they let me know that the display doesn't exactly work. At all. Also news. I negotiate half of what I was about to pay them and jump into the truck for the 2.5 hour drive home.
HOWEVER...
This is so awesome! I roll out of bed at 8:30, and in that time after I put on the coffee, where I would usually crawl back in bed and turn on the computer, I go sit on the bike and get pedaling. I've had it for two days. Both mornings have started out this way, I go from my one hour pedaling, with 5 minutes easy pedaling, then 5 minutes go time; to my physio floorwork for my back and knee. It is pretty nice to not have to wake up, get ready, drink at least one cup of coffee, and then roll out to gym, timing my workout around the classes that close the gym at exactly the times when I feel ready to work out, and watching the sunny day go by outside, trying to hide my morning face from the people there, avoid eye contact and not talk to anyone since I am working way to hard for conversation, and that is not why I am there.
I've put up some inspiration pictures on my cork boards that I stare at during my stretches. I'm hoping to not gain another 20 during school this fall by these steps Ive taken to make working out at home easier. Now I just need to fashion up a drink holder and computer platform for my bike!
I'm back on the wagon to relieving myself of my aches and pains!




Me in Mexico, with a butterfly knife in one hand that I just used to remove the limiter on a bottle of tequila. That is a bottle of water in my left hand, of course.

Game on!

Haha, today I was back to the plan, and stuck to it. I rode to and from work, to yoga, and then the short bridge to bridge loop . I rode fast and hard. Yoga class is what saved me today. I have been stressed at my practicum. It's a lot of heavy mind and spirit work every day, and my spirit is not in shape. In the past I got to a place in my spirit work and stopped because I was at a place where I could cope with life. There is more to be done. Its good to be forced to work on it, since I have been coasting on 'good enough' for awhile when I could probably be a lot more of myself. But it is tiresome.
Anyway, I went to class. Barely. I felt like quitting before I started, and had a tough time. What kept me going was that sight in the mirror...are those abs? Oh my, yes they might be...wait...look again, no work harder, was that one there? Try harder...wow, look at that!... and so it went. And they kept appearing. And I kept pushing. And so my vigor in this fit quest is temporarily renewed. At least until the next mean craving that I either have to deny or cave into.

deny-it

So I was feeling pretty guilty starting today off, after a cookie making sesh at the LINC yesterday where I chopped up a lot of chocolate, ate a bunch along the way, and then consumed a fair share of the finished product.
There was something else that I mindlessly stuffed into my mouth, but I am blocking that out- oh, right- when I got home after Saturday's late shift, I watched a few Breaking Bad episodes and chowed the last of the jumbo bag of mini eggs. Took three hours. Yeah. Maybe 20...oops.
And there was also on the weekend, the commiserating with a dear friend in need where that bottle of wine seemed to disappear between rounds of ' modern' dancing, singing or lipsincing, as well as a fair bit of crying and hugging and sharing. Yes, and then there was the morning cheeseburger that I couldn't have gotten out of bed without. So by the time I encountered the delicious banana bread loaf today, eating several slices of it seemed to be a drop in the bucket.

Truth is, it was all just a self sabotage of my goal that I am working so hard to reach. Yes, I did still do every single exercise in my workout video (out of guilt or shame), and yes, today I rode my 10k route, working to get my heart rate up (while also sweating out all the alcohol in my system). But I couldn't get it out of my head that I have not lost a single pound in two weeks of denial and exercising daily.

Okay...fuck, really? Who is this person?!
I've never been this person, and I don't like this feeling of guilt. This feeling that I've betrayed myself, my plan.
I'm not sure if I want to be this obsessed about my body. Fuck this. I have never not gotten in shape when I decided it was time, why am I putting so much pressure on myself now? Oh...right, because I am hurt, and scared that things aren't going my way. I can't stretch this injury away, or power through it. I am not in control of this hurt. I need something to control.

I eat well. I am healthy. I work hard. I have enough to worry about without obsessing over food.
FUCK DIETING.

ab rock

It's been nearly two weeks of trying to eat better (read: denying myself all of my favorite things) , and riding my bike all around town. My scale hasn't budged, but I think/hope/pray I am seeing a difference. Because if it isn't working, I am so outta here...I want so badly to eat like ten little rounds of a baguette carefully spreading butter or brie on top of each slice...I want to melt 25 Cadbury mini eggs in my mouth, rolling the crunchy coating off one by one...I want to twirl up forkfuls of creamy alfredo covered linguine, and roll them around the edges of the bowl to collect all of the delicious bacon cream sauce, and just keep going until I am about to burst. But I won't. I am feeling minor improvements.
Today, for example, I finally did every single exercise in my abs workout, exactly as many times as they told me to. 25 reps of 14 exercises. So what that it took me 45 minutes to finish a 15 minute video. I finished it for reals. I have made it all the way up fifth street a couple of times now without my lungs feeling like they are exploding.
It is happening little by bit.

oops, NOW its 30!

haha, still rocking onward.
two more days, two more bike rides, two more yoga classes behind me. Keep going until I must sleep seems to be my motto. Exhaust myself, then rest hard. Then do it again. Today is another 12 hour workday, then I will come home and do what I can here, then sleep again.
Food changes are finding me hungry at night. I guess I need more food at dinner.