184 days -6

Sometimes I work nights. I know they screw up my system but I haven't got alot of choice right now. I want hours, and that is the form they are coming to me at one of my two jobs. They are awake night-shifts, with check in calls, monitoring a crisis call line at a women's safe house. The truth is that I nod off every time between calls, but it isn't the kind of sleep that is worthwhile. I spaz awake every time the alarm company calls to check in. I have chores that have to get done between 11-1 at night, or 5-7 in the morning. I put on my sunglasses as I drive home, rain or shine, and crawl into bed It fu ks me every time.
Yesterday I ended up sleeping until 3. I got up and tried to motivate for the gym, the grocery run that needed doing. Could not fathom how to manage being seen in public. It isn't that I imagine that I look like an ogre, it's just that some days I cannot bear to be looked at. The judgements are constant, inescapable and I can feel them raining down on me some days. I cannot stand the eyes on me.
So, instead I ate bitefuls of what was leftover in the fridge. Olives. Some not yet formed date energy ball mix. Half of a leftover ice cream bar in the freezer. A boiled egg. And then went back to bed. Woke up starving at ten and went for massive calorie takeout. Did not get to the gym. Felt frozen in place when I tried to imagine a walk around the neighborhood. Got bummed out about my life. Went back to sleep and somehow slept all night and through my alarm this morning. Amazing.

It's been so long since I've written in this blog so I read back a ways. Following my inspired training run up to not run/running two half marathons, there are a year's worth of posts that grossed me out with how weight obsessed I became. It was a way to mask the injury, stress, and betrayal I was facing at the time, I know that now in hindsight. I don't want to go there again. I feel like I've grown by miles. I have come to face myself, gaining integrity and self-respect through a painful passage I would have never wished for. 

Image by Tara Sellios

50 by 40

It's been a long time away. Four years? Five? It's been bad.

I've been a long way away from myself, and from my health. Life took such a disastrous turn and it shook me to the core. I have decided to act as if, to pick my trembling spirit up and live. A choice. One I am still able to make, and so I will.

I will be 40 next year. I have always been fit, and tried to care for my body. I have healed body and mind in the past, and I intend to do it once more. Resilience is a real thing. Love can hurt, and love can heal. This time around, I am using this most powerful weapon against myself. Some injury happened along the way. A personal abuse story; one among millions. It won match after match, degrading my mental health. It moved into my spirit and crippled it. It filtered into my hormonal and nervous system. It wrought havoc from within my emotional body. My mind turned against me and my stress level rose and remained at a dangerous high for years. My body has felt beyond my control, and no amount of exercise could reverse the damage that was happening.

I have taken the control back. I am practicing being with myself alone now. I removed myself from a relationship that became toxic with dishonesty and passive aggression. I will no longer be anyone's whipping post, trying to give love to someone who refuses to receive it. 
But I have to move slowly. I keep overdoing it, not really understanding just how far out of whack my body has gone. I've jumped back into my activities several times, and hurt my weakened body. I hope that I have learned patience, forgiveness, and to be gentle with myself by now.
No more negative self talk. No more should-ing on my body. No more straining to hurry up and see results. This is a lifestyle move. For my mental well being. 

I began today with just thirty minutes of walking on a treadmill. It actually hurt. 
I can't really bear to be seen today. I have a lot of these days lately. So I can't really take myself out to walk in the streets, even though the weather is fine as can be. I hid myself in a corner at the rec centre gym, wedged between windows, watching mountains, not looking at anyone, and pretending no one could see me.
I had a decent soundtrack. Some Eliot Goldenthal for the first five minutes. Some Young Men Dead, for the next five, then some Children- serious Advanced Mind Control- which finally made me get a stoke on as I watched the clouds change over the mountains ahead of me. Got stabbing pain in first my right knee, then that went away and became a cramping in my left shin, a feeling like I was pushing too hard, so I slowed it back down. Then it moved to my left knee. I worked really hard to manage my mean thoughts as that voice in there started cussing out my weakness again. 
It's been a long hard road, and I've ridden so much of it out hiding in bed. I have to let go of the idea that I should be in some kind of physical bracket just because I once was. 
It's done now. I did it. It feels good, too. Day one of however many. We'll see. 

I want a love I can feel. And I'm going to start right here with my self. 

I've learned integrity of spirit and self respect over these past difficult few years, so I'm not starting from scratch at least. But it doesn't mean this is easy.

Still going! Last month saw me cover 71km's. So far this month I am at 55km's, hoping to beat last month and keep going from there. man, it hurts, but I am seeing things start to change for the good! And feeling it, too. Muy power when I skate, deep, deep breaths, good sleeps, and a craving for salads not cheesecakes! huh?

Here is a picture from my run over Granville Bridge when I went to the city on the weekend.

Trying again...

...so far it hurts.
Since I started back on Jan 21st, I've covered 46k. Wait. That puts it into some perspective, doesn't it? That's in just 16 days. Well, I feel better about taking a few days off this week. Guess I don't have to give it up yet. Was feeling like I was failing for a minute there. What I mean is I'm doing it again.

Not just fucking trying.

urg

I'm trying. I took two runs in two days.
One down the tracks, my favorite route, to Staples, for more paper for my printer to print out my notes to study with. Then last, night, at the last moment, after feeling defeated by my day and laying around for three hours trying to read textbooks, putting off going to yoga until it was too late, and eating half a pizza to spite myself. After I had given up, I crawled out of bed, put on my long pants, gloves, toque and headphones, and went out and ran as far as I could until my knee started to complain. My decision to walk to work got sidetracked by needing to get a doctors note that says I am allowed to skate again while at work. But I left my wheels there and walked home, which means I am forced to walk back there in the morning if I don't walk up the hill to school. So its happening, somehow, its happening, and MAN does it HURT!

Ask...

Funny how Life answers sometimes.
I've been swimming 3 times a week the past 2 weeks. Its helped my achilles immensely. I've been stressing out over this 30 pounds that snuck up on me due to the amount of sitting time school and studying entails. But for the past three months I've been watching what I eat, keeping tabs, typing in everything I put into my mouth, feeling deprived, but only by my own hand; not eating 1 chocolate bar every two days or sundaes and burgers on the weekend, one cup of morning coffee instead of two. But that has not helped at all, either way, it's only stressed me out. My weight has stayed exactly where it has been since last winter. I actually lost more weight not paying attention and eating what my body craved, when my body craved it, than I have while I've been meticulously logging each morsel. So fuck this. Once again, activity is the only answer for me.

So I've been meaning to get off my ass. Quit driving to school, walk more. Ride my bike around town. But its so damn cold, and wet, and early, and my stupid achilles hurts all the time, etc, etc...
...aaand my truck broke today. Last month I spent a thousand dollars to make sure it would keep running beautifully through the winter, as it always has. And today it would not stay running for further than one block at a time. I had to leave it in the lot and walk home from school. Take a deep breath and get stepping. Down the long hill, the daunting hill, across the flat estuary, and over the bridge. Up the little hill through the quaint little decked out for Christmas main street town. It took 45 minutes. My ankle hurts as much as it always does, no more or less. So, okay, Life, I fuckin hear ya. Truck is parked. Im a'walking it out.

certainly not

NO, I am not running.
I am barely walking. A tour of LA art museums and skateparks left me nearly crippled, what a bitch.
But I am rehabbing this shit. Do I like being here? because I keep coming back to injure myself... Guess riding on a kneebrace, halfway through knee healing is asking for trouble. Half assed physio/healing seems to create more need for healing...er.
I've been riding a bike all summer for my knee. Still riding, but not as religiously as before. Its not a daily motion, but it ought to be. Today Im heading back to yoga to see what it can do for this. Hopefully me feet don't go entirely numb, as my toes were already disappearing after the first three postures before this injury. Not feeling where your toes are makes balance very difficult!
Doing it anyway. I like walking. Really really like walking...

run day

Today's the day. I promised myself I would try a wee run. I told myself it would happen today. I've been craving the feeling of euphoria it gives me, and the loss of these crazy back-pocket-fat-stores would be nice, too. I am terrified of hurting my knee, so my plan is to make sure I stay under the minimum I think I am capable of. I am sure I could start off with 3k, so my plan is to stick to just 1k. Just for this week. Start small, go slow. Don't push it, even if I think I can.
Can I, just for once, not overdo it? This will be my challenge.

Except for inhaling a bug, that was a short, sweet, and painless 10 minute 1.5! Yay, knee!!! Felt great to be out and pushing it again! Looking forward to next short run. Hope the knee won't complain later!

the void

Hello. I am back again. What happened during that 3 month void since the last time I posted?
I went to Abbotsford to welcome a new baby girl into my family, beautiful Arabella.
Finished my head spinning practicum at a recovery house for women that caused me to question my entire reason behind going to school. Before my two last practicums, I thought I knew what I wanted. Now I am back to square one. I enrolled for the second half of my program in the fall in spite of my doubt. I'm going on faith that this will lead me somewhere good.
Got my motorcycle on the road, went on a road trip to Vancouver.
I went on a wild trip to Mexico that I'd booked back in March, before I hurt my knee and ran out of money. Learned how to flip a butterfly knife like a pro. Nuff said.
When I got home from there, I found out that I had been approved for medical coverage for my knee through WCB. Woot! So I am now on the physio train.
Obstacles have been crashing down from above incessantly, of course. The day before I left for my Mexico trip, some young delinquents stole my trusty ten speed and jumped on the rear wheel, bending the shit out of it. Tried unsuccessfully to fix it myself. I have had it in a shop now for three weeks. It is a weird size or something, he is having a hard time finding a replacement. A replacement that doesn't cost $100.
Oh yeah, because I haven't mentioned mention the cost of not working due to my stupid knee. I have no money for replacement anything. Or rent. Or food. Back to brown beans, tuna, and toast. I splurged on a $30 membership at the community centre gym, since healing my knee is my top priority right now so that I keep my sanity. I started riding the stationary bike for an hour a day, three days a week, a month ago. Went to Van for a fun visit and summertime friends and fell down. I scraped the shit out of my good knee, and ankle, and bruised my left ass so bad I couldn't sit properly for a week, which sidelined the bike riding for a while there. My back is waaaay out from limping around to accommodate this last accident, and hurts at every move again. I have been listening to myself sound like a grumpy old, rickety arthritis sufferer. Cursing every time I have to sit, get up, climb into my truck, everything. My Ipod ate shit last week. Without music to fuel my workout, I am a marionette without a puppeteer. Fuckin lifeless. Been reading a book while I ride. Ugh. Its alright I guess. I think the worst part is having to listen to the tough guys making their taking-a-shit noise while they lift the heavies. Really? Is that necessary? It grosses me out.
I've been shopping for a cheap stationary bike for months now, and finally found one in Nanaimo. Well, that's what the ad said. I went down for a swim at a lake halfway between here and there, so took my truck (which I am also not driving lately, $gas$!) and went to get it. Got to Nanaimo, a 1.5 hour drive from here, and then the lady tells me (following three emails back and forth) that she is actually in Duncan, another hour south. Okay. When I get there, they are sweet, and kind, and they let me know that the display doesn't exactly work. At all. Also news. I negotiate half of what I was about to pay them and jump into the truck for the 2.5 hour drive home.
HOWEVER...
This is so awesome! I roll out of bed at 8:30, and in that time after I put on the coffee, where I would usually crawl back in bed and turn on the computer, I go sit on the bike and get pedaling. I've had it for two days. Both mornings have started out this way, I go from my one hour pedaling, with 5 minutes easy pedaling, then 5 minutes go time; to my physio floorwork for my back and knee. It is pretty nice to not have to wake up, get ready, drink at least one cup of coffee, and then roll out to gym, timing my workout around the classes that close the gym at exactly the times when I feel ready to work out, and watching the sunny day go by outside, trying to hide my morning face from the people there, avoid eye contact and not talk to anyone since I am working way to hard for conversation, and that is not why I am there.
I've put up some inspiration pictures on my cork boards that I stare at during my stretches. I'm hoping to not gain another 20 during school this fall by these steps Ive taken to make working out at home easier. Now I just need to fashion up a drink holder and computer platform for my bike!
I'm back on the wagon to relieving myself of my aches and pains!




Me in Mexico, with a butterfly knife in one hand that I just used to remove the limiter on a bottle of tequila. That is a bottle of water in my left hand, of course.

Game on!

Haha, today I was back to the plan, and stuck to it. I rode to and from work, to yoga, and then the short bridge to bridge loop . I rode fast and hard. Yoga class is what saved me today. I have been stressed at my practicum. It's a lot of heavy mind and spirit work every day, and my spirit is not in shape. In the past I got to a place in my spirit work and stopped because I was at a place where I could cope with life. There is more to be done. Its good to be forced to work on it, since I have been coasting on 'good enough' for awhile when I could probably be a lot more of myself. But it is tiresome.
Anyway, I went to class. Barely. I felt like quitting before I started, and had a tough time. What kept me going was that sight in the mirror...are those abs? Oh my, yes they might be...wait...look again, no work harder, was that one there? Try harder...wow, look at that!... and so it went. And they kept appearing. And I kept pushing. And so my vigor in this fit quest is temporarily renewed. At least until the next mean craving that I either have to deny or cave into.

deny-it

So I was feeling pretty guilty starting today off, after a cookie making sesh at the LINC yesterday where I chopped up a lot of chocolate, ate a bunch along the way, and then consumed a fair share of the finished product.
There was something else that I mindlessly stuffed into my mouth, but I am blocking that out- oh, right- when I got home after Saturday's late shift, I watched a few Breaking Bad episodes and chowed the last of the jumbo bag of mini eggs. Took three hours. Yeah. Maybe 20...oops.
And there was also on the weekend, the commiserating with a dear friend in need where that bottle of wine seemed to disappear between rounds of ' modern' dancing, singing or lipsincing, as well as a fair bit of crying and hugging and sharing. Yes, and then there was the morning cheeseburger that I couldn't have gotten out of bed without. So by the time I encountered the delicious banana bread loaf today, eating several slices of it seemed to be a drop in the bucket.

Truth is, it was all just a self sabotage of my goal that I am working so hard to reach. Yes, I did still do every single exercise in my workout video (out of guilt or shame), and yes, today I rode my 10k route, working to get my heart rate up (while also sweating out all the alcohol in my system). But I couldn't get it out of my head that I have not lost a single pound in two weeks of denial and exercising daily.

Okay...fuck, really? Who is this person?!
I've never been this person, and I don't like this feeling of guilt. This feeling that I've betrayed myself, my plan.
I'm not sure if I want to be this obsessed about my body. Fuck this. I have never not gotten in shape when I decided it was time, why am I putting so much pressure on myself now? Oh...right, because I am hurt, and scared that things aren't going my way. I can't stretch this injury away, or power through it. I am not in control of this hurt. I need something to control.

I eat well. I am healthy. I work hard. I have enough to worry about without obsessing over food.
FUCK DIETING.

ab rock

It's been nearly two weeks of trying to eat better (read: denying myself all of my favorite things) , and riding my bike all around town. My scale hasn't budged, but I think/hope/pray I am seeing a difference. Because if it isn't working, I am so outta here...I want so badly to eat like ten little rounds of a baguette carefully spreading butter or brie on top of each slice...I want to melt 25 Cadbury mini eggs in my mouth, rolling the crunchy coating off one by one...I want to twirl up forkfuls of creamy alfredo covered linguine, and roll them around the edges of the bowl to collect all of the delicious bacon cream sauce, and just keep going until I am about to burst. But I won't. I am feeling minor improvements.
Today, for example, I finally did every single exercise in my abs workout, exactly as many times as they told me to. 25 reps of 14 exercises. So what that it took me 45 minutes to finish a 15 minute video. I finished it for reals. I have made it all the way up fifth street a couple of times now without my lungs feeling like they are exploding.
It is happening little by bit.

oops, NOW its 30!

haha, still rocking onward.
two more days, two more bike rides, two more yoga classes behind me. Keep going until I must sleep seems to be my motto. Exhaust myself, then rest hard. Then do it again. Today is another 12 hour workday, then I will come home and do what I can here, then sleep again.
Food changes are finding me hungry at night. I guess I need more food at dinner.

30 day countdown!

Holy Crap! 30 days until I am supposed to be wearing a bathing suit!
So today I rode my bike to Royston. And now I am going to yoga. My tummy does not feel too hot, but I think that is me trying to find a way out of going to yoga.

week one down

Week one of changing my food patterns is done. It started out easy. I was sick, food was not appetizing. Since then I have changed most of my meals, if not what they were, then how much of it there was. Greens type of meal drink to help get my five servings in the a.m. Then smaller portions of salad for lunch, and a different kind. I didn't make a smaller salad, I just stopped eating it when my body told me it was done.
Friday night celebration of my academic award, I ate my treat pasta until I was satisfied, then took the rest home for snacks. There is chocolate in the house that I am not devouring. Instead last night I ate an orange. I am still not getting all of my cardio. The sickness I mentioned has just barely lifted now so that I can breathe again and get back to really working. So here goes.
I am not happy in my skin right now. Summer is slow to arrive this year, and this knee injury is driving me crazy. I just want to go skate today. I will work a way around it. I will not give up.
I also have to start hassling my way into surgery. Sooner the better.

almost done

Today has been a pretty special day for me. I biked to both jobs and worked 12 hours. I stayed in a great mood all day, and I ate no crap. I ate only to fuel. Managed to not feed the need for calm and love and comfort with gummies at the LINC for once. I did well. Might be feeling up to a short core workout before bed now.

working on it

I've been riding every day except grocery day, to and from work. I've gotten the mad allergy bug in my throat, an angry burn that just last night moved up into my sinuses. Can't decide which part was worse. Still can't breathe deeply. I took Monday off of riding b/c I really couldn't breathe, and nearly passed out when I did have to leave the house to go teach a skate lesson. Today I did a work out vid in the living room, and chased the mower, both with my brace on. Felt safer doing some of the side to side moves, some of them still couldn't happen, and didn't bother with any hopping, skipping, leg swinging action. Step tap step tap. Hacking and sputtering. Life is so different when I cant breathe and only have one good leg! Oh well, I'm sure this allergy attack is almost over. Tomorrow, more riding.

tomorrow, we ride

Awe crap, so I went to the 7pm yoga class after work after school tonight to find out it wasn't on. I mixed up my times. What is good is that I chased my mower around for a little while today, three hours, got good and sweaty, enjoyed the sun in a tanktop and shorts. Tomorrow, we ride...

Rolling Steady

43 days until Sayulita!

I had to take time off since I twisted my knee for good on April 10th. Since then I have had it x-rayed, acupunctured, and consistently balmed. The bruise and swelling have worn off and I am on a waiting list for surgery. I waited for three weeks to return to yoga, trying almost every day to kneel down to see if I could yet. I still can't but I managed well in my first class back last Thursday.
The bike we found out front has become useful now, as it is the only physio I can really do, and pedaling is supposed to be beneficial. I took my first spin around the block on Sunday, after Luke jumped on the rear tire and loosened the brakes out so it rolls. Hurts when my knee is fully bent, at the top of the pedal's rotation, but only for a minute or five.

Three more days of riding the junker under my belt, and I'm feeling the need to tighten it already. This shit is challenging!
Monday I took a run around Courtenay, a short loop that actually took a lot less time than I thought it would, and was also harder on my knee and lungs than I thought it would be.
Tuesday I rolled to the ferry and into Van. I found out in Nanaimo, in a rush to get to the ferry from my secret parking space, that you cannot jam down hills at any reasonable speed with a tacoed rear tire. This thing does look as though its about to shake right off, and the speed wobbles are difficult to correct with such a tiny steering structure. I nearly ate shit.
Wednesday I rode across town, a nice big line starting up Commercial, out to Sunrise, and then into downtown to catch the bus back to the ferry and my truck.
Great start to getting back to cardio!

70 days til sayulita

Countdown is so on. First week of new workout so done. A lot of it was frustrating, mostly because some of it is so hard. So I have goals to reach in doing it anyway. A lot of it was good. I feel like it will do what it is supposed to do. I miss yoga, I am going to get some kind of passes. I feel like 2x/week will be enough to keep me happy while I am also doing 4 days of serious working out and a couple days of weights. It all stills my brain, which is good for me. Except I just don't have much to say about it.
Missing running now that the sun is out. My knee won't have it right now or for awhile yet, though.
That is all. Back to homework.